The 5 Weirdest Guest Post Emails We’ve Received

It’s no coincidence that webmasters and editors of less or more successful blogs receive guest blog requests from many wannabe guest writers every day.

Sometimes, however, a guest post request email is not your typical email.

Sometimes, those emails can be a bit… extraordinary.

And so, we collected the best of these emails from the year that passed and we present them to you.

With no further ado, here are the 5 most bizarre guest posts requests we received this year.

Every original email is given word-for-word, except for the names of the writers and their companies.

Enjoy.

1. ‘The Cat Lady’

The original email

Hi GrowthRocks team,

I hope you had a good weekend.

I’m Emily, a freelance writer and digital marketeer who mainly blogs about productivity, pets and health. I’ve now gone freelance and am trying to build up my portfolio.

I have just read through your ‘write for us’ guidelines and I’d love to get your opinion on whether one of the following topics could work on your site:

Are Cats the Key to a Successful Marketing Strategy?

8 Marketing Lessons we can learn from Internet Cats

7 Examples of Cats and Successful Content Marketing

5 Success Stories from Affiliate Marketers

15 Actionable Affiliate Marketing Tips From the Pros

[…]

It would be great to know if this was of interest or not :). If you’re keen for a guest post but aren’t sure on the topics, let me know and I can send some more ideas your way.

Here’s a link to my online portfolio so you can see my writing style:

Best wishes,

Emily

The reply I never sent

Hi Emily,

Look, you like cats and that’s fine.

Do you know what I like? Gravity.

I like gravity because without gravity I would have to copywrite from space and they say that it gets pretty chilly up there.

I like gravity because without it I couldn’t run and jump off the pool diving board. Not that I own a swimming pool anyway – just the diving board.

In general, I like gravity. It feels good.

Back to your guest blogging suggestions, I replaced ‘cats’ with ‘gravity’ from your suggested titles and this is what it looks like:

Is Gravity the Key to a Successful Marketing Strategy?

8 Marketing Lessons we can learn from Gravity

7 Examples of Gravity and Successful Content Marketing

Not too bad, eh?

2. ‘The Winner of Innovation in Titles & The Art of Writing’

The original email

Hello Team,

Greetings for the Day!

I have noticed the persistence and quality of content posted here, which is beneficial for both learner expertise point of view.

Well! I am Jasmeet, working as a Content Marketing Professional at Company. I think that your readers might be interested in knowing more about marketing technology concerns. Therefore, I am keen to build a partnership with you so that we can collectively cater to the needs of learners.

It would be a privilege for me to associate with your esteemed service. I was just wondering if you allow guest posting on your blog. If so, I would be happy to write one for you on any topic you want – the choice is yours! I am a digital marketing professional with a lot of blogging experience. I am keen to build a partnership with you so that we can collectively cater to the needs of learners.

Please have a look at my previous write-ups:

Titles for the guest post:

1.) Digital marketing approaches that Millennials find attractive, inspiring, or just troublesome

2.) Determining customer perceptions of website service quality in digital marketing ambiance

3.) 10 reasons you require a digital marketing approach in 2019

I assure you, to make the process as seamless and add value to your blog. Please let me know if you are interested in my proposal of article contribution to your website.

It would be a pleasure to hear from you.

Thanks
Regards,

Jasmeet

The reply I never sent

Hi Jasmeet,

First off, I’m glad that you are working as a content marketing professional and not as a content marketing amateur. 97% of professionals agree: It’s always better to work as a professional than working as an amateur. The other 2% have made their hobby their profession. And the rest 1% have made their profession their hobby. They are simply known as landlords. (Does this make sense?)

Now, let’s examine the titles you proposed through which we will collectively cater to the needs of learners.

Digital marketing approaches that Millennials find attractive, inspiring, or just troublesome

I find this title to be… troublesome. For many reasons. Those reasons mostly involve its length, making absolutely no sense, and the existence of the word troublesome in this very context.

Moving on to the next title.

Determining customer perceptions of website service quality in digital marketing ambiance

Ooooh! Oh. Now I see what you’re doing. You must have a polyhedral dice, like a D20, but instead of numbers, the dice has words.

So you throw the dice, write a word, throw the dice again, write another, and so on and so forth. And that’s how you come up with those titles. Otherwise, I can’t see how digital marketing and ambiance can coexist in the same sentence.

3. ‘The WTF Jobs’

The original email

Hey,

I’m writing to you because I’m interested in contributing a guest post on your site.

Based on what has worked for your blog in the past, I feel that your readers would love to read about

Apps to sell stuff local Market

What is an email processing job

Search Engine Evaluator Jobs

Looking forward to hearing from you with one of the topics above.

Talk Soon!

Ben

The reply I never sent

Hi Ben,

Maybe I should have replied because I, too, want to know what exactly is an “email processing job”. Not only that, but you seem to want to write for another obscure profession, called “a search engine evaluator”.  

But since I never replied, I will now have to google for myself to see if the terms ‘email processors’ and ‘search engine evaluators’ actually mean something in the magical world of business.

And if they do, what do these folks do for a living? So here’s what I found.

An ‘email processor’ exists! Not only that, but you can make a sh*t-ton of money…

If you believe in nigerian-prince-level scams and ponzi schemes that is.

As it turns out, email processing is this thing where you give a few money up-front (from $15 to $25), and just like that, you are now in the email process business. And then you process emails.

And that’s about it.

There are absolutely other no job requirements. Maybe the only requirement is making sure that your house is built on top of a vault; there will be some serious money coming in immediately, as it seems!

Does the job description sound too vague? Here is the copy-pasted step-by-step explanations of the job an email processing jobs description, as seen on their website:

Step 1: Log in to your email account.

Step 2: Read our email and download processing instruction.

Step 3: Do exactly same what instructed in our email.

Step 4: After completing one email process send your report to [email protected]

Step 5: Wait for few moments and get paid into your register bank account.

And here’s another description from a different site (hopefully in better English):

1. Posting Pre-Written Ads on Craigslist, Backpage, Facebook and etc.
2. Post these ads everyday between 7am & 7pm.
3. Monitor your account and watch your account fill up with $25 payments!
4. Reply to the people who paid you and give them the info they requested.
5. THAT’S IT!

You still haven’t gotten your head around what exactly do you process?
That’s OK, me neither. Let’s move on.

The second job was about search engine evaluators. It looks like a search engine evaluator is a legit profession. And their job is, more or less, to rate the relevancy of search results based on user queries and provide feedback to Google and Bings. Who would have thought? 

Still, search engine evaluators don’t process anything, do they? Freakin’ amateurs.

4. ‘The Grandmother’

The original email

Hi Dear,

I hope you are doing well!

We read your blog https://growthrocks.com/ and really like the information which you share with your audience.

We have a well-researched topic on “6 surprising tips that will give your website a crazy high ranking” for your audience which we would like to share as a guest post in return for a follow link on our website.

Let me know if this is something which your audience would like to read? I can share the blog with you in a word document for review.

Thanks &  Regards,

Nidhi 

The reply I never sent

Dear Mrs Nidhi,

You remind me of my grandmother and that’s wonderful.

Only my mother would call me ‘dear’ and would tell me something surprising about a crazy thing that happened.

And since you remind me of her, here are three topic title suggestions for you that may help you in the future: 

9+1 Groovy Tactics for LinkedIn Videotaping

How Το Work from the World Wide Web With Your Slacks Off

Influencer Marketing: Why it’s a Load of Baloney

5. ‘Pure Pleasure Seeker’

The original email

I want to write about marketing analysis and SEO. If you agree then I will be happy.

– nahid

(That’s it, that’s the whole email.)

The reply I never sent

Hey Nahid,

Some people try to find happiness through seeking earthly, ephemeral, pleasures. Others through consumption and a lavish lifestyle. Pure hedonists that they are.

But not you, Nahid. You want to write about SEO and marketing analysis. And then you will be happy. And for that, I respect you.

May you find the blog that will fulfil all your dreams the soonest.

Peace.